This week
in our pursuit to increase the 40% of our happiness we can control, we will
take a look at how we can promote peace in our homes and relationships. Peace
within my home and family relationships is something for which I strive, though
some days it can be extremely difficult.
Coming home to screaming children and a
dirty house after a long, stressful day can really test your patience. An argument can erupt with a single comment
made in irritation to your spouse. Angry
words are bitten off in an effort to protect your children from seeing you
argue. Once the kids are in bed icy silence echoes through the house, both
spouses too hurt and angry to break the silence. You both go to bed hoping to forget about the
fight and move on. The next day you are
on speaking terms again mostly so that you can make sure the children’s needs
are met. You move on and try to forget
to keep the peace but the hurt and anger remain in the deep recesses of your
mind. Does this scenario sound familiar
to you? I know this is probably not the norm but I’m sure this has happened a
time or two.
Conflict and contention can arise from
situations and misunderstandings that are mundane and sometimes seemingly
silly, yet hurt feelings and damaged pride can last for weeks, months, years,
or even generations.
The philosophy taught in The Anatomy of Peace by The Arbinger
Institute is centered on recognizing the way we view others when we are faced
with conflict. We can view others as
PEOPLE like ourselves with hopes, dreams, cares, and fears or we can view
others as OBJECTS that are obstacles, vehicles, or irrelevant to getting what
we want. Our regard for others or our way of being affects the way we view
them. When we are able to regard someone
as a person we see beyond our own desires and recognize theirs as well. When we see someone as an object we can’t see
past our own desires.
Each of us has
an innate sense of right and wrong. We
can choose to be true to our desires to help someone or treat them like a
person or we betray this feeling we have and choose not to help someone or
treat them like an person. The term that
the authors use is having a Heart of Peace or having a Heart of War. We can approach any person or situation with
a Heart of Peace or a Heart of War. The
way we regard others will affect the way we approach a situation and interact
with someone. Can you think of a
situation where you had a Heart of Peace or a Heart of War? I’m sure we can all think of a few. Let me
give you an example.
When driving, I
sometimes get frustrated with others drivers who in my estimation should have
their licenses revoked. The other day as
I was driving home from school a woman in a white mini-van cut me off on the freeway
on-ramp. I had a choice to make. How would I regard this woman who cut me off? Would I view her as a person or an object? In this particular instance I chose to view
her as a person. I was irritated, but I
thought to myself that she must be in a hurry to get home to see her family the
same as I. Maybe she was late getting
home to cook her family dinner or afraid her son would have to wait too long
for her to pick him up from football practice.
When I began to view her as a person, just like me, with desires, needs,
and fears, I was able to have a heart of peace in this situation toward this
woman. I felt compassion and empathy
instead of anger. So I did not honk my
horn, yell at her threw my windshield, or hit my steering wheel. Talk about road rage! These are things I probably would have done
if I had chosen to regard her as an object in this situation. I would have seen her as being selfish,
self-centered, a horrible driver, an idiot, etc. And I would have felt justified thinking of
her this way. 
So how
does this relate to happiness? Let’s
relate it back to the story I just told you.
When this woman cut me off I could have chosen to see her as the object
of my anger and irritation; the thing that was keeping me from getting home
safely and quickly to my wife and children. If I had chosen to be angry with
her I probably would have stewed about it all the way home and started an
argument with my wife possibly sparking the events I mentioned at the beginning
of this post. Instead I chose to see the
lady in the white mini-van as a wife and parent, anxiously trying to get home
to her family just like I was. This allowed me to be at peace instead of at war
in my heart. I went home that day happy
to see my family. I played with my
children and kissed my wife long and good.
I chose to be happy instead of angry. The example was an encounter with a stranger but how would an encounter with a family member or close friend transpire? Conflict between family members is often harder to overcome. Because of the close emotional bonds, harsh words or actions can cut deeper and last longer. However the love that grows through overcoming these conflicts is equally deep. My wife and I have had a few arguments in our 5 years of marriage. Some were minor and we overcame them quickly. Some were louder, harsher, hurt more.
There was a deep hurt I caused my wife. Every
time we had a disagreement I would always rehash something she did that
bothered me when we argued. I would
bring it up and throw it in her face over and over again. This hurt my wife deeply. Clearly I saw her as an object and not a
person when we argued. I used this thing
that bothered me to attack her, bring her into submission to win the argument. That was all I could see. I was blind to the hurt it caused. I finally realized how much I was hurting her
and I vowed that I would never bring it up ever again. I was not really trying to understand her
point of view when we argued I was only trying to win. I needed to make a
change and regard her as a person, but not just any person, but the most
important person in the whole world whom I loved more than anything and who
loved me back. I especially needed to
regard her in this way when we argued. I
can honestly say that overcoming this conflict has brought us closer together
and deepened our love for each other.
Everything
always comes back to choice. Being happy
is a choice. Remember that we are in
control of 40% of our own happiness. The
principles taught in The Anatomy of Peace allow us to take charge of that 40%
by helping us view others with understanding and compassion. And who couldn’t use a bit more understanding
and compassion from others. I know I
could.
Take a minute and think about your relationships with family
and friends. Do any of them feel
strained? Can you think of anyone you
love who needs to be seen as a person and not an object? Think about what is keeping you from
overcoming whatever hurt or anger you feel.
Try to view them with understanding and compassion. I know that as you
do this you too can overcome the conflict in your heart and strengthen your
relationships.
If you would like to learn more about resolving conflict you
can check out The Anatomy of Peace by The Arbinger Institute. It is a great read!
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