The
Intentional Family
I love my family. I love my wife and children more than
anything else in this world and I would do anything for them. I’m sure any
parents reading this post probably feel the same way that I do. With work and/or school it can be hard to put
the effort you think your family deserves into the time you spend with
them.
About 20 years ago a family therapist named William Doherty
wrote a book called
The
Intentional Family.
I know what you’re thinking right now.
“Whoa, whoa my family is doing just fine thank you very much! We don’t need a family therapist to tell us
what to do.” Well just hold on to those
horses partner. Let me tell you about it
before you ride off into the sunset.
The intentional family makes a plan for the time they will
spend together and then sticks to that plan.
They create rituals, or patterns of connecting with each other through
everyday activities. So you may be
asking yourself right now, “What do you mean by rituals?” Well a ritual is an activity that your family
coordinates together and repeats regularly.
A ritual has special significance to your family. For instance my family would play the game Monopoly
together all night long every year on New Year’s Eve. My family looked forward excitedly to this
event where alliances were formed, money was sneakily stolen from the bank, Dad
always won, and there was so much laughing.
Thinking about the times we played Monopoly together on New Year’s Eve
are some of my fondest childhood memories.
I’m sure you can think of a few of your own! This was an activity that we planned,
coordinated and repeated every year. And
it was definitely significant, and FUN for us.
While family rituals can be fun and memorable they also
provide us with specific benefits including predictability, connection,
identity, and a way to enact values.
Predictability:
Family rituals provide a feeling of security and regularity that most families,
especially those with children, require.
When family members know Dad is going to read them a book before bed or
wrestle with them on the couch when he arrives home each night they have
something to look forward to. If bedtime
stories only happen sporadically when Dad has time there is no predictability
and the ritual loses power.
Connection:
Bedtime rituals might be the only one on one time between a father and his
children. Additionally, for couples, a
bedtime routine is time to connect emotionally and physically after a long,
crazy day. Family rituals provide time
to connect and bond as friends, couples and families.
Identity: A
sense of who belongs to the family and what is special about the family. A family identity is formed through rituals
and families might tell people “We are hikers” or “We are fishers.” Family members also know who the core of
their family is by who is part of certain rituals – like who attends
Thanksgiving dinner.
A
way to enact values: Values demonstrate what we believe and
hold dear. Rituals are a perfect setting
to enact family values, teach our children, and help build them up to who we
want them to become. Family rituals are
a safe place where we can lead, guide, and instruct.
There are three basic types of family rituals: 1) Connection
2) Love and 3) Community.
Rituals
of Connection are general formed around common everyday activities such
as family meals, morning and bedtime routines, leaving and returning home, and
small family outings.
My family’s morning routine goes something like this. My 21-month-old daughter starts yelling “Mommy,
wea aaah yoouuuuuu?” at around 6:15 AM.
My wife and I try to ignore her until about 6:30 AM when my son runs
into our bedroom and says, “Daddy, I’m hungry! Make me breakfast!” and pulls my
hand until I get out of bed. We finally
get our daughter out of bed and head downstairs to cook them breakfast. I ask my son what he wants to eat and every
morning without fail he says he wants French toast. Most days we end up making French toast for
breakfast. My daughter will inevitably
throw half her food on the floor and laugh while she does it. My son will inevitably eat about half of the
food on his plate and ask for a snack a few minutes after he leaves the
table. My wife generally ends up doing
most of the cleaning because she’s amazing, and I get ready to go to school. You may be saying to yourself at this
point, "That doesn’t sound much like a
ritual..." Well you’re right it’s not
really a ritual because we have not planned it this way but let me tell you
what is. Everyday before I leave for
school we kneel together and say a prayer.
Then I give everyone a kiss and a hug and I head out the door. It is something that my wife and I have
planned and intentionally done each morning. You might be thinking, “Whoa that
sounds way too simple.” Well frankly
simple is best. Connection rituals are
meant to be simple. The key is that we
need to be intentional about them, hence the name of the book, The Intentional Family.
Rituals
of Love focus on one-to-one relationships whether it’s between you
and your spouse or one of your children. The point of these rituals is to make the
individual family members feel special.
Some examples are birthdays, anniversaries, Valentine’s Day, Mother’s
Day, Father’s Day, etc.
Rituals
of Community include people beyond your nuclear family. They are more public events and include such
things as weddings, funerals, religious activities at your church, mosque,
synagogue, temple, etc. Participating in
rituals with a wider community allows for a concerted effort to give and gain
support from a larger social group than your family.
Becoming intentional about the way we make connections and
strengthen relationships with our family and members of our communities can
make us happier. It is one way that we
can affect the 40% of our happiness that we can control in our lives.
Take some time to go through the survey below with your
spouse and talk about it together.
Evaluating
Your Family Rituals
Directions
Put a plus sign (+) in the left talcum if you think this
ritual is already strong in tour family and does not need much improvement
Put a zero (0) if you think this ritual could use some
improvement
Write “no” if this ritual is not important or you don’t want
to work on it
Connection
and Love Rituals
______ 1. We have
meals together regularly.
______ 1. Our
mealtimes are full of good feeling and good conversation.
______ 1. We often
share enjoyable family activities at home.
______ 1. We have
rich holiday rituals.
______ 1. We share
enjoyable family vacations.
______ 1. We engage
in regular positive contact with our relatives.
______ 1. We
celebrate birthdays well.
______ 1. We have
satisfying ways to acknowledge Mother’s Day.
______ 1. We have
satisfying ways to acknowledge Father’s Day.
______ 1. *For
families with small children – We have satisfying bedtime rituals.
______ 1. **For
couples – We regularly find time alone to talk.
______ 1. ** We use
bedtime as a way to connect at the end of the day.
______
1. ** We go out along together on a regular basis.
______
1. ** We celebrate
anniversaries in a way that is meaningful to both of us.
Community
Rituals
______ 1. We
regularly see family friends.
______ 1. We are
actively involved in a church/synagogue/mosque, or a similar community
concerned with beliefs, ethics, and values.
______ 1. We are
involved in neighborhood activities.
______ 1. We
participate in recreational or educational groups and activities (for example,
athletic programs, book clubs, support groups.)
______ 1. We are
involved in activities to better our community.
______ 1. *For
parents – We talk to our children about social and community concerns.
______ 1. * We are active in our children’s school.
Evaluate
1. Is
a ritual missing where you would like one to be?
2. What
is the current ritual lacking?
3. Is
there too much responsibility placed on one family member?
4. Are
family members achieving a balance between individual time and family time?
If you want to go even further, I suggest that you and your
spouse identify and be intentional about planning a ritual for your own family
to take part in. Start slow by implementing
one ritual at first and then build your way up to two rituals after a few weeks
or months. You will be amazed at the
difference it can make.
If you would like to learn more about how to become an Intentional Family you can check out William Doherty’s book for yourself.
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While we don't want to control or force anyone to share, post or report, we would love to hear about your experiences. If you had a great experience implementing some new rituals or you already have some rituals you would like to tell us about please share!
While we don't want to control or force anyone to share, post or report, we would love to hear about your experiences. If you had a great experience implementing some new rituals or you already have some rituals you would like to tell us about please share!
Most excellent!
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