Dad - It's time to spend time with the kids

Good afternoon everyone!  Hope you all had a fantastic Thanksgiving holiday with your family and friends.  We are glad to again have to opportunity to share with you how we can increase our happiness.  I hope last weeks post made an impact in your life and you were all able to find a little more peace by seeing people as people and staying out of the box.  This week we are going to focus on the men of the house.  You heard me Dad this one is for you.

Now have any of you experienced the following experience? Take a look at the video below and think about your (or your husband's) interaction with the kids.

We are all guilty of it at one point or another.  Sometimes we feel we are too busy or too tired.  The truth is there should always be time for our kids.  Whether it be reading a book, going fishing, wrestling on the couch, or having dinner.  Let's make some time guys. This post is for the fathers and focuses on father leisure time with their children.  This subject is especially pertinent to us authors since we are both fathers of two little children.  It will be largely focused around an article about the importance of a father’s participation in family leisure activities (Buswell, Zabriskie, Lundberg, & Hawkins, 2012).

time for our kids.

In our day and age it seems we are experiencing a new kind of fathering.  Marsiglio (1991) described a new father as one involved in seeking to establish close, intimate bonds with their children while providing nurturance and affection, engages in day-to-day caregiving tasks on his own, and is involved with daughters as much as he is sons. Marks and Palkovitz argue the new father is not new at all is rather a return to post-industrial fathers when the father was involved in many aspects of their child’s life. Among these ideas of fatherhood is the underlying trend if fathers are becoming more involved in the home with their children in an effort to provide better outcomes for their children.

Research shows fathers who are involved with their children in playing and caregiving are related to positive outcomes for their children (Brotherson et al., 2005; Pettit, Brown, Mize, & Lindsey, 1998). Playing and caregiving could include changing diapers, preparing dinner, dressing the children, or getting up during the night with younger children. Positive benefits include positive mental development (Roggman, Boyce, Cook, Christiansen, & Jones, 2004), greater problem-solving skills (Easterbrooks & Goldberg, 1984), and increased interaction with peers (Pettit et al).

In her study Buswell looked at father participation in leisure through the lens of the core and balance model we talked about a couple weeks ago.  Here is a small review in case you have forgotten.  There are two types of family leisure patterns, core and balance.  Core activities are usually done inside or near the home, are performed often, and typically require little or no financial resources.  Examples include watching television or movies together, shooting hoops in the driveway, playing board games and video games together, or going on family walks. Balance activities on the other hand are usually done away from the home, are novel experiences, not done as often, and may require more resources such as time, effort, and finances. Examples of these activities include family vacation, camping out, going on a hike, or attending a public swimming pool together.  Core leisure activities usually relate with family cohesion while balance leisure activities usually relate with family adaptability.  Now back to the current study.  During this study father involvement in core family leisure activities proved to be strongly related to all aspects of family functioning (both cohesion and adaptability.) One interesting finding came from the children’s perspective.  Children felt the involvement of their father in core family leisure was the strongest predictor of family adaptability.  Additionally, satisfaction with core family leisure with the father involved was the single best predictor of all aspects of family functioning.  Are we starting to see a trend here?  Fathers, it seems like if we are going to be present for family leisure the every day, spontaneous core leisure activities are most important to our families’ cohesion, adaptability, and family functioning. 

Even after taking into account family characteristics such as highest level of education, annual income, unemployment, and history of divorce, father involvement in core family leisure was the strongest predictor of family cohesion. In other words, fathers who regularly participated in activities such as watching television and movies, playing board games and video games, eating home meals, playing sports in the yard or park, attending their children’s performances or competitions, gardening, reading books, etc., together with their families reported higher levels of family cohesion. These incredible findings are consistent with those of a recent study indicating daughters who play age-appropriate video games with their fathers report stronger mental health, a stronger sense of family connectedness, and exhibit better behavior (Coyne, Padilla-Walker, Stockdale, & Day, 2011).

In the 1970s terms such as Disneyland dad became commonly used to describe the leisure patterns of fathers, particularly nonresident fathers. This term characterized fathers in a negative light suggesting they interacted only occasionally with their children often disrupting regular family life by showing up and only participating in expensive or extraordinary family activities, or in other words, balance family leisure activities. Findings from the current study show participation in core family leisure activities is much more important in respect to family functioning than participation in balance family leisure. Although participation in balance family leisure activities is important and needed, fathers’ involvement in the everyday, home-based, common family leisure activities held more weight than the large, extravagant, out-of-the-ordinary types of activities when examining family functioning.  Therefore, rather than the occasional expensive family vacation alone, the satisfaction with regularly occurring home-based family activities such as eating dinner together, participating in hobbies and informal sports and yard activities together, watching television together, or playing board games and video games together with the father present was the single strongest predictor of all aspects of family functioning, particularly from the youth perspective. Scholars, professionals, families, and fathers would benefit to examine the emphasis placed on fathers spending time with their families in everyday activities. More importantly, it should be recognized, in the case of family functioning, fathers should focus on the quality of interaction and satisfaction of family members during the regular time they spend together in family leisure.

For those of you who work with families and particularly fathers, you would do well to use this information to help develop programs to promote fathers being more involved in quality, everyday, home-based leisure activities with their families. Fathers may want to consider participating in activities such as family meals, board/video games, practicing sports and hobbies, reading together, or other common activities easily done together at home with little or no resources. Professionals could also consider teaching fathers the importance of their involvement in everyday leisure activities, provide ideas for activities fathers could be involved in, and facilitate regular participation in such home-based activities.

Challenge:

Dads around the world, I know life can be exhausting sometimes.  Between your career, school, family, and a variety of other responsibilities you have a lot on your plate, but don’t forget to make time for your children and family.  Like we just learned it doesn’t need to be an extravagant weeklong vacation away from work.  The simple activities like wrestling, having family dinner, playing a board game, or reading a book will really make the difference.  So our challenge to dads everywhere is to make an extra effort this week to improve your core leisure time with your kids.  Play in the yard, read a book, or play go fish.  It will be well worth your time, I promise.

Share:

What are some of your favorite father leisure activities?  How do you make sure to find time to participate in father leisure activities after a long day at work?  Please share with us your thoughts, ideas, and questions.

The Anatomy of Peace

This week in our pursuit to increase the 40% of our happiness we can control, we will take a look at how we can promote peace in our homes and relationships. Peace within my home and family relationships is something for which I strive, though some days it can be extremely difficult. 

Coming home to screaming children and a dirty house after a long, stressful day can really test your patience.  An argument can erupt with a single comment made in irritation to your spouse.  Angry words are bitten off in an effort to protect your children from seeing you argue. Once the kids are in bed icy silence echoes through the house, both spouses too hurt and angry to break the silence.  You both go to bed hoping to forget about the fight and move on.  The next day you are on speaking terms again mostly so that you can make sure the children’s needs are met.  You move on and try to forget to keep the peace but the hurt and anger remain in the deep recesses of your mind.  Does this scenario sound familiar to you? I know this is probably not the norm but I’m sure this has happened a time or two. 

Conflict and contention can arise from situations and misunderstandings that are mundane and sometimes seemingly silly, yet hurt feelings and damaged pride can last for weeks, months, years, or even generations.     

The philosophy taught in The Anatomy of Peace by The Arbinger Institute is centered on recognizing the way we view others when we are faced with conflict.  We can view others as PEOPLE like ourselves with hopes, dreams, cares, and fears or we can view others as OBJECTS that are obstacles, vehicles, or irrelevant to getting what we want. Our regard for others or our way of being affects the way we view them.  When we are able to regard someone as a person we see beyond our own desires and recognize theirs as well.  When we see someone as an object we can’t see past our own desires. 

         Each of us has an innate sense of right and wrong.  We can choose to be true to our desires to help someone or treat them like a person or we betray this feeling we have and choose not to help someone or treat them like an person.  The term that the authors use is having a Heart of Peace or having a Heart of War.  We can approach any person or situation with a Heart of Peace or a Heart of War.  The way we regard others will affect the way we approach a situation and interact with someone.  Can you think of a situation where you had a Heart of Peace or a Heart of War?  I’m sure we can all think of a few. Let me give you an example.

         When driving, I sometimes get frustrated with others drivers who in my estimation should have their licenses revoked.  The other day as I was driving home from school a woman in a white mini-van cut me off on the freeway on-ramp.  I had a choice to make.  How would I regard this woman who cut me off?  Would I view her as a person or an object?  In this particular instance I chose to view her as a person.  I was irritated, but I thought to myself that she must be in a hurry to get home to see her family the same as I.  Maybe she was late getting home to cook her family dinner or afraid her son would have to wait too long for her to pick him up from football practice.  When I began to view her as a person, just like me, with desires, needs, and fears, I was able to have a heart of peace in this situation toward this woman.  I felt compassion and empathy instead of anger.  So I did not honk my horn, yell at her threw my windshield, or hit my steering wheel.  Talk about road rage!  These are things I probably would have done if I had chosen to regard her as an object in this situation.  I would have seen her as being selfish, self-centered, a horrible driver, an idiot, etc.  And I would have felt justified thinking of her this way. 

So how does this relate to happiness?  Let’s relate it back to the story I just told you.  When this woman cut me off I could have chosen to see her as the object of my anger and irritation; the thing that was keeping me from getting home safely and quickly to my wife and children. If I had chosen to be angry with her I probably would have stewed about it all the way home and started an argument with my wife possibly sparking the events I mentioned at the beginning of this post.  Instead I chose to see the lady in the white mini-van as a wife and parent, anxiously trying to get home to her family just like I was. This allowed me to be at peace instead of at war in my heart.  I went home that day happy to see my family.  I played with my children and kissed my wife long and good.  I chose to be happy instead of angry. 

         The example was an encounter with a stranger but how would an encounter with a family member or close friend transpire?  Conflict between family members is often harder to overcome.  Because of the close emotional bonds, harsh words or actions can cut deeper and last longer.  However the love that grows through overcoming these conflicts is equally deep.  My wife and I have had a few arguments in our 5 years of marriage.  Some were minor and we overcame them quickly.  Some were louder, harsher, hurt more. 

There was a deep hurt I caused my wife. Every time we had a disagreement I would always rehash something she did that bothered me when we argued.  I would bring it up and throw it in her face over and over again.  This hurt my wife deeply.  Clearly I saw her as an object and not a person when we argued.  I used this thing that bothered me to attack her, bring her into submission to win the argument.  That was all I could see.  I was blind to the hurt it caused.  I finally realized how much I was hurting her and I vowed that I would never bring it up ever again.  I was not really trying to understand her point of view when we argued I was only trying to win.  I needed to make a change and regard her as a person, but not just any person, but the most important person in the whole world whom I loved more than anything and who loved me back.  I especially needed to regard her in this way when we argued.  I can honestly say that overcoming this conflict has brought us closer together and deepened our love for each other.   

         Everything always comes back to choice.  Being happy is a choice.  Remember that we are in control of 40% of our own happiness.  The principles taught in The Anatomy of Peace allow us to take charge of that 40% by helping us view others with understanding and compassion.  And who couldn’t use a bit more understanding and compassion from others.  I know I could.  

Take a minute and think about your relationships with family and friends.  Do any of them feel strained?  Can you think of anyone you love who needs to be seen as a person and not an object?  Think about what is keeping you from overcoming whatever hurt or anger you feel.  Try to view them with understanding and compassion. I know that as you do this you too can overcome the conflict in your heart and strengthen your relationships. 

If you would like to learn more about resolving conflict you can check out The Anatomy of Peace by The Arbinger Institute.  It is a great read!

http://www.amazon.com/Anatomy-Peace-Resolving-Heart-Conflict/dp/1626564310/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1448420181&sr=8-1&keywords=the+anatomy+of+peace

Core & Balance

Raise your hand if you have a rock hard core!  I’m guessing only like one percent of our readers raised their hand because let’s face it; a rock hard core is a difficult goal to achieve.  Nonetheless everyone knows a solid core is at the center of a strong and healthy body the same way a solid foundation keeps a building stable.  As we continue to discuss how to influence the 40% of our happiness we can control, it is important to remember to have balance in all things.  We want to make sure we do not have too much or too little of something.  Balance in all things will help us enjoy the good things life has to offer.

Today we are going to break down for you a family recreation theory called Core and Balance. This theory revolves around different kinds of family leisure activities, different benefits that arise from them, and how it all fits together to provide a healthy, functioning family.  It outlines two different types of family activities, core and balance, and how these activities relate to cohesion and adaptability in a family.  

So as stated earlier, let’s start with the core.  Core family activities "are depicted in the common, everyday, low-cost, relatively accessible, and often home-based activities that many families do frequently.  This includes activities such as watching television and videos together, playing board games, playing together in the yard, shooting baskets together in the driveway, gardening, or playing in the leaves once the pile has been raked together.  Core activities often require little planning and resources and are quite spontaneous and informal.  Core family leisure experiences can provide a consistent, safe, and often positive context in which family members can foster relationships.  These common and spontaneous family activities are generally nonthreatening because of their regularity and familiar environment.  They are considered to be play, “just for fun,” or even a step removed from the workday world.  It is in this context of leisure that family members can safely explore boundaries, clarify family roles, and rules, and practice ways to enforce them.  This is also the context in which family members often are consoled, rewarded, refreshed, and rejuvenated.”  This would generally make up the bulk of family leisure time since they are relatively accessible and easy to participate in.  Core activities might also include socializing or engaging in regular conversation.  Core activities such as these foster increased personal relationships and feelings of family closeness and cohesion.

Some examples of core activities in my family are family dinners, LDS family home evening, walks to the park, reading books, and doing “experiments” (arts and crafts) with our children.  Some of my most memorable moments with my kids are our core activities.  I look forward to wrestling my oldest child on the bed when I get home or playing in the leaves on a brisk autumn day.  These activities provide great opportunities to come together as a family.  Touching on what we learned last week about rituals – many of our daily rituals are also core family activities such as family dinner.

Now take a second and reflect on your life.  What kind of core family activities did you participate in either in your current families or when you were a child?  What were they?  How did the benefit your family?  Do you think you grew closer and more cohesive as a result of these activities?  Just some interesting food for thought. 

Now if you strengthened your core all day every day and didn’t ever focus on anything else you would be a little out of balance. Balance family activities generally happen less frequently than core activities and therefore provide a novel experience.  They usually require greater investment of time, effort, and money, and usually take place outside of the home.  Balance activities include activities such as family vacations, outdoor recreation like camping, fishing, and boating, special events, or trips to a theme park, sporting event, or bowling alley.  Balance activities often require substantial planning and are therefore less spontaneous.  However, they tend to be longer in duration than most core activities.  They also tend to be more out of the ordinary and include elements of unpredictability or novelty as previously mentioned.  Balance activities require family members to negotiate and adapt to new experiences and challenges.  Although families may experience increased family cohesion or bonding during a balance activity the nature of these activities can facilitate the ability to learn and change.  Balance activities require families to be exposed to new and unexpected experiences, which provide challenges necessary for families to learn and progress as a whole.  The adaptive skills developed and practiced during balance activities can then be transferred to other areas of family life.

Balance activities for our family include bike rides, trips into the mountains, camping in Moab, Utah, or visiting cousins in Idaho.  Like I’m sure many of you have experienced – long trips with your family in the car present you with all kinds of interesting experiences.  Not everything goes as planned and therefore provides families the opportunity to adapt and learn necessary skills to adapt, change, and go with the flow. 

Again – pause and reflect on your family or childhood.  What kind of balance activities did you do as a family?  Were there just enough, too many or too few?  Where did they take place?  Do you feel they helped your family grow and learn to adapt to difficult situations?  I know for my family they definitely did. 

It is important to point out that although most family activities fall into the category of either a core or balance activity it isn’t always the same for everyone.  A family that skis three times a week might consider skiing to be a core activity while a family who does a ski trip once a year would consider it a balance activity – so core and balance isn’t cut and dry, it can be different for each family. 

Challenge:

Take a minute with your significant other to evaluate your core and balance family activities.  What kind of core activities does your family participate in?  How often do core activities take place in your family?  What kind of balance activities does your family participate in?  How often do balance activities take place in your family?  Once you have evaluated your family activities and pinpointed where you might be lacking – plan together how to be intentional about improving.  Whether that is being intentional about wrestling with your kids when you get home from work (core activity) or planning a much needed weekend at the cabin (balance activity) be intentional about making these things happen.  As you do core and balance activities as often as seems appropriate you will see your family become closer and learn to adapt and change to new experiences.  Resulting in an increase in the way your family functions.

Share:

Take a minute and tell us about your favorite core and balance activities! 

The Intentional Family

The Intentional Family

I love my family. I love my wife and children more than anything else in this world and I would do anything for them. I’m sure any parents reading this post probably feel the same way that I do.  With work and/or school it can be hard to put the effort you think your family deserves into the time you spend with them. 

About 20 years ago a family therapist named William Doherty wrote a book called

The Intentional Family.  I know what you’re thinking right now.  “Whoa, whoa my family is doing just fine thank you very much!  We don’t need a family therapist to tell us what to do.”  Well just hold on to those horses partner.  Let me tell you about it before you ride off into the sunset. 

The intentional family makes a plan for the time they will spend together and then sticks to that plan.  They create rituals, or patterns of connecting with each other through everyday activities.  So you may be asking yourself right now, “What do you mean by rituals?”  Well a ritual is an activity that your family coordinates together and repeats regularly.  A ritual has special significance to your family.  For instance my family would play the game Monopoly together all night long every year on New Year’s Eve.  My family looked forward excitedly to this event where alliances were formed, money was sneakily stolen from the bank, Dad always won, and there was so much laughing.  Thinking about the times we played Monopoly together on New Year’s Eve are some of my fondest childhood memories.  I’m sure you can think of a few of your own!  This was an activity that we planned, coordinated and repeated every year.  And it was definitely significant, and FUN for us. 

While family rituals can be fun and memorable they also provide us with specific benefits including predictability, connection, identity, and a way to enact values. 

Predictability: Family rituals provide a feeling of security and regularity that most families, especially those with children, require.  When family members know Dad is going to read them a book before bed or wrestle with them on the couch when he arrives home each night they have something to look forward to.  If bedtime stories only happen sporadically when Dad has time there is no predictability and the ritual loses power. 

Connection: Bedtime rituals might be the only one on one time between a father and his children.  Additionally, for couples, a bedtime routine is time to connect emotionally and physically after a long, crazy day.  Family rituals provide time to connect and bond as friends, couples and families. 

Identity: A sense of who belongs to the family and what is special about the family.  A family identity is formed through rituals and families might tell people “We are hikers” or “We are fishers.”  Family members also know who the core of their family is by who is part of certain rituals – like who attends Thanksgiving dinner.

A way to enact values: Values demonstrate what we believe and hold dear.  Rituals are a perfect setting to enact family values, teach our children, and help build them up to who we want them to become.  Family rituals are a safe place where we can lead, guide, and instruct.

There are three basic types of family rituals: 1) Connection 2) Love and 3) Community. 

Rituals of Connection are general formed around common everyday activities such as family meals, morning and bedtime routines, leaving and returning home, and small family outings. 

My family’s morning routine goes something like this.  My 21-month-old daughter starts yelling “Mommy, wea aaah yoouuuuuu?” at around 6:15 AM.  My wife and I try to ignore her until about 6:30 AM when my son runs into our bedroom and says, “Daddy, I’m hungry! Make me breakfast!” and pulls my hand until I get out of bed.  We finally get our daughter out of bed and head downstairs to cook them breakfast.  I ask my son what he wants to eat and every morning without fail he says he wants French toast.  Most days we end up making French toast for breakfast.  My daughter will inevitably throw half her food on the floor and laugh while she does it.  My son will inevitably eat about half of the food on his plate and ask for a snack a few minutes after he leaves the table.  My wife generally ends up doing most of the cleaning because she’s amazing, and I get ready to go to school.  You may be saying to yourself at this point,  "That doesn’t sound much like a ritual..." Well you’re right it’s not really a ritual because we have not planned it this way but let me tell you what is.  Everyday before I leave for school we kneel together and say a prayer.  Then I give everyone a kiss and a hug and I head out the door.  It is something that my wife and I have planned and intentionally done each morning. You might be thinking, “Whoa that sounds way too simple.”  Well frankly simple is best.  Connection rituals are meant to be simple.  The key is that we need to be intentional about them, hence the name of the book, The Intentional Family. 

Rituals of Love focus on one-to-one relationships whether it’s between you and your spouse or one of your children.  The point of these rituals is to make the individual family members feel special.  Some examples are birthdays, anniversaries, Valentine’s Day, Mother’s Day, Father’s Day, etc. 

Rituals of Community include people beyond your nuclear family.  They are more public events and include such things as weddings, funerals, religious activities at your church, mosque, synagogue, temple, etc.  Participating in rituals with a wider community allows for a concerted effort to give and gain support from a larger social group than your family. 

Becoming intentional about the way we make connections and strengthen relationships with our family and members of our communities can make us happier.  It is one way that we can affect the 40% of our happiness that we can control in our lives. 

Take some time to go through the survey below with your spouse and talk about it together. 

Evaluating Your Family Rituals

Directions

Put a plus sign (+) in the left talcum if you think this ritual is already strong in tour family and does not need much improvement

Put a zero (0) if you think this ritual could use some improvement

Write “no” if this ritual is not important or you don’t want to work on it

Connection and Love Rituals

______ 1.  We have meals together regularly.

______ 1.  Our mealtimes are full of good feeling and good conversation.

______ 1.  We often share enjoyable family activities at home.

______ 1.  We have rich holiday rituals.

______ 1.  We share enjoyable family vacations.

______ 1.  We engage in regular positive contact with our relatives.

______ 1.  We celebrate birthdays well.

______ 1.  We have satisfying ways to acknowledge Mother’s Day.

______ 1.  We have satisfying ways to acknowledge Father’s Day.

______ 1.  *For families with small children – We have satisfying bedtime rituals.

______ 1.  **For couples – We regularly find time alone to talk.

______ 1.  ** We use bedtime as a way to connect at the end of the day.

______ 1. ** We go out along together on a regular basis.

______ 1.  ** We celebrate anniversaries in a way that is meaningful to both of us.

Community Rituals

______ 1.  We regularly see family friends.

______ 1.  We are actively involved in a church/synagogue/mosque, or a similar community concerned with beliefs, ethics, and values.

______ 1.  We are involved in neighborhood activities.

______ 1.  We participate in recreational or educational groups and activities (for example, athletic programs, book clubs, support groups.)

______ 1.  We are involved in activities to better our community.

______ 1.  *For parents – We talk to our children about social and community concerns.

______ 1. * We are active in our children’s school.

Evaluate

1.     Is a ritual missing where you would like one to be?

2.     What is the current ritual lacking? 

3.     Is there too much responsibility placed on one family member?

4.     Are family members achieving a balance between individual time and family time?

If you want to go even further, I suggest that you and your spouse identify and be intentional about planning a ritual for your own family to take part in.  Start slow by implementing one ritual at first and then build your way up to two rituals after a few weeks or months.  You will be amazed at the difference it can make. 

If you would like to learn more about how to become an Intentional Family you can check out William Doherty’s book for yourself.

http://www.amazon.com/Intentional-Family-Simple-Rituals-Strengthen/dp/038073205X/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1446316986&sr=8-1&keywords=The+Intentional+Family

Share
While we don't want to control or force anyone to share, post or report, we would love to hear about your experiences.  If you had a great experience implementing some new rituals or you already have some rituals you would like to tell us about please share!